A warning for divorced parents with teens: Keep dads actively parenting

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

I have several divorced friends and colleagues with teenagers who are displaying disturbing behavior problems. These teens, especially the boys, are acting out in all the ways parents pray they never have to experience: drugs, hanging with the wrong crowd, school problems, disrespectful and inconsiderate behavior — you get the idea.

While each of these teens have parents who are divorced, there’s more to it than just that. Their biological fathers are not playing a strong role in their lives. And their mothers do not have a positive relationship with their “wasband.”

Does this mean that all children of divorce whose fathers are not actively in their lives will grow up to be troubled teens? Of course not. But there is a strong correlation between a father’s influence and a child’s – especially a son’s — sense of positive self-esteem and responsible behavior.

We all know it’s tough to be a teen. The challenges are enormous and the influences toward negative and anti-social behaviors are substantial within our culture. When you add the absence of a strong father figure to the mix, many young men just can’t overcome the lack of emotional support in their lives. They are more vulnerable to the temptations of acting out and going astray.

Co-parenting after divorce is never easy, nor are there simple answers for creating a smooth transition post-divorce into the parenting arena. However there are pitfalls we can all strive to avoid and warning signs that lead to potential problems that every divorced parent should keep in mind.

Dads: Stay in your kids’ lives as a parent, not a playmate. Take responsibility for talking to your teens on a regular basis about key issues, especially what it means to be a responsible young adult, how to treat parents, teachers and siblings respectfully and goals to aspire toward for a successful future.

Moms: Honor your teen’s relationship with their biological Dad – even if a Step-Father or other male relationship partners are in the picture. Let their Dad actively parent them and be a model for healthy, responsible behavior. Don’t be a wedge between father and son/daughter or put down their father in their presence. You are laying the foundation for bringing into society a young adult who matures with compassion for others and high self-esteem.

Parents: The key to parenting successfully after a divorce is maturity. Make decisions about your sons and daughters from the place of a caring, loving parent, not a vengeful former spouse. Don’t take out your frustrations with your ex on your children. Overlook the minor and petty annoyances and focus on the big picture — raising confident, empathic, considerate and loving children.

When an issue comes along that pushes your buttons, ask yourself this question: How would I respond to this parenting dilemma if I wasn’t divorced? Then focus on the right answer for the well-being of your children … as a parent – not just a divorced parent.

The rewards you derive in the years to come will more than offset the frustrations and inconveniences that inevitably are part of post-divorce co-parenting. Aren’t your children worth it?

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources  on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com

© Rosalind Sedacca    All rights reserved.

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2 Comments

  1. Posted March 4, 2010 at 11:51 pm | Permalink

    My aunt who filed divorce from her husband few years ago is having a hard time coping up and explaining the situation to her kids. Good thing she discovered co-parenting-manager (http://4help.to/plan) and helped her in conducting the proper way to handle the dilemma of divorcing. Please do check it out. There are helpful planners for parents and kids as well

  2. Posted March 5, 2010 at 6:47 am | Permalink

    Good post. I am father with two sons from an earlier marriage. They are now 7 and 10 and I have been involved with their lives all along. We got divorced when the where 2 and 5. I go to parents evening, collect them from school, do home work, take them to parties, football practice etc.. Stay involved, find common interests, encourage, displine, act as you would if they where in your care fulltime and don’t put there mother down infront of them ever know matter how much you might feel like doing it!

    I will cross post this on my blog.


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