Divorce: Are you the dumper or dumpee?

Have you heard the terms dumper and dumpee before? If you’ve experienced the end of a love relationship you know the definition of these words. Typically, there is one person who is more responsible for deciding that a relationship should end. That person is the dumper. Most dumpers feel guilty for hurting his or her partner. The dumpee, on the other hand, struggles with feelings of rejection and lack of power. Both the dumper and dumpee can benefit from reading Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends by Dr. Bruce Fisher. Learn more about yourself by taking Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale (FDAS) at www.DivorceSeminarCenter.com

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2 Comments

  1. mary
    Posted August 4, 2009 at 5:44 pm | Permalink

    Been divorced for 16 years, most people would say that I’m just a glutton for punishment, but I still miss him. He was the dumper, I the dumpee and he was not good to me in our marriage at the end. It was terrible.

    We have grown children and grandchildren and have had almost no contact but recently at my youngest sons wedding and my grandson’s graduation, I just wanted to hug him. No sexual feelings. I just wanted to hug him for us both to feel better. This is something I can’t talk about with family because they think that I should have gotten over it years ago because of what he put me through, his affairs, etc.

    When do you ever get over it? I tried dating a guy right afer the divorce. I felt like I was married and cheating. That did not work for me. Getting ready to retire and I am alone. I’d give my eye teeth if had worked out. He is on his third marriage. The marriage to the “playboy bunny” type didn’t last any time. He has nothing to do with our wonderful chidren who educated themselves, married well, have fine careers and are men to be so proud of. The older one is a pastor. He’s never been to Gary’s church even to hear him preach. He took a job in a Casino after the divorce and is now retired from both jobs that he held. His new wife is a mormon but doesn’t practice her religion. My ex has no faith as far as I can tell. I feel really badly about that.

    I still feel like there is unfinished business between us. We both made huge mistakes in the marriage due to being from abusive families of origin, plus the mistakes we made that had nothing to do with our families. We really didn’t have a chance, but we made it 27 years before he left with the woman of ill repute.

    Just wondering if I am the only one who goes on with life but something is missing. I have a huge hole in my heart that just can’t be fixed.

    • Dave T.
      Posted August 21, 2009 at 3:08 pm | Permalink

      ..too bad it took a bunch of days for you to get a reply.. I’m aware of family going through a terrible post separation divorce with huge fallout for the dumpee’s family including offspring, parents, siblings and related in-laws… I was looking for Dr. Fisher’s book, to recommed which brought me to this site page. First thing (and I was dumped in 2005 out of the blue — I am a guy — and was the dumpee after 23 years of marriage) our situations are different but you need to fill the “huge hole in your heart” (respectfully) with YOURSELF as an individual. You have wonderful children you’ve raised and are in contact with. That is very significant and you can be so very proud of that. Talk to your son the minister. The hardest thing to do (I found) is to forgive someone who has affected your life so profoundly — good or bad. Forgive him but first and foremost forgive yourself for carrying those feelings of “longing” so long. It is okay..it is human and even after all these years.. you’ve said… these feelings are yours and when you hold on to them it is something personal and profound (and yours alone). Recognize that and allow yourself to let them go.. your ex’s life (happy or not) is not anything you can influence, change or revise. He is doing “his time” and you must do “your own time on this planet”. And as I write you at my age of 51 now, I realize that life is so hectic and so very quick-paced (ie. where did that last 25 to 30 years go…?). Corny, but the trees blow in the breeze, the sun shines, it rains, it snows (if you’re up in higher part of the continent) and life is pretty darn amazing when you think of it… walk with your dog… hold your cat close.. call a friend.. call your sons and their respective families (if that is the case) and tell them you miss them and love them. You might be surprised (maybe not) to find the high regard and esteem with which they hold you in their respective hearts as Mom and Grandma. Get out there and meet some new people, join a club, a new church group.. go on a trip with a friend… contact other mature, Christian singles (if that is of interest to you…) things like that… worry about you — MARY.
      You can be the Number 1 Fan of YOU! Get going… time’s awastin’

      (ps. not that you asked, but after a rough year and a somewhat drawnout dissolution — no offspring.. I remarried after 3 and a half years… new doors open.. new opportunites.. and also,
      by the way, while I respect the practice of religion, I myself am a non-practicing individual… Sunday… again with respect,
      I’d rather watch football… :) All the best to you.


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