Divorce and your retirement assets

When you’re in the midst of a divorce, you have to juggle so many things.   You need to add to this all the practical issues — and there are many.

Let’s start with the fact that retirement benefits are not automatically split during a divorce. Just like other marital assets, a divorce court judge or an agreement between you and your spouse divides the benefits. Find out as much as you can about the benefits earned by you and your spouse during the marriage. Then make sure you and your lawyer protect your right to those benefits.

1     Retirement benefits come from a variety of employer-provided plans — pension plans, 401(k) plans, deferred compensation plans, and 403(b) plans, among others

2     Note that your spouse may have 401(k) assets sitting in an Individual Retirement Account (IRA), if he/she changed jobs during your marriage. Make sure you consider all former employers, because any type of employer can sponsor retirement benefits.

The divorce law in just about every state considers retirement benefits earned by either husband or wife during the marriage as “marital property” (or “community property” if you live in a community property state).

 What benefits are divisible? All retirement benefits earned during the marriage may be divisible depending on state law.  These include defined benefit plans and defined contribution plans, such as 401(k) and 403(b) plans. States differ in what types of  benefits they consider marital property.    

Be clear on this critical point:  have all the information about your spouse’s retirement benefits before you divorce. It is nearly impossible to go back to court and ask for a share of your ex-spouse’s benefit that you learn about after the fact. The agreement will eventually become part of your divorce decree.    

 Think carefully before waiving your right to pension benefits in exchange for your spouse’s share of the house. This is a common arrangement but not always the best choice. While owning the house may seem like the best option, you may find after just a few years that you cannot afford the mortgage, taxes or upkeep. Or you could decide to sell the house a few years later and incur a hefty capital gains tax. Keep in mind that the pension benefits you walk away from could come back to haunt you when you reach retirement age.

 Get a “Qualified Domestic Relations Order” (QRDO) If you plan to ask for a share of your spouse’s retirement benefits, you need a qualified domestic relations order or QDRO.  (Orders for retirement plans of government  employees may have different names.) The QDRO is a court order that is usually written by one of the couple’s attorneys. It orders the retirement plan to pay you a specified share of the benefits based on the terms of your divorce agreement. Your lawyer will submit the QDRO to the court for a judge’s signature. After the judge signs the QDRO, send it to the plan administrator as soon as possible. Your agreement should specify whether you or your spouse is responsible for preparing the QDRO and paying the related fees.

 What happens if you don’t get a QDRO? You could end up like thousands of men and women who reach retirement age only to find out that they won’t get what the divorce decree stated because the documentation wasn’t handled properly.

 

• How will your share be paid? You may receive it as a single lump sum, a monthly pension, or in some other form.
• What happens to your share if your spouse dies before you are paid
• What if you die first?  
• Does the plan have cost-of-living increases?  
• Will you receive interest on your share if there is a delay in your payment?  
• Does your spouse have a loan from the plan?  

 Your QDRO Checklist

• You must get a QDRO for retirement benefits.
• Have your lawyer ask the plan administrator ahead of time if the plan charges a QDRO processing fee or has a model.
• Direct your lawyer to ask your spouse to pay part of your legal fees and any QDRO processing fees.
• Submit it to the court for a judge’s signature.
• Send the QDRO immediately to the retirement plan for approval*

I specialize in securing the future of women and their families.

Pat Frederiksen – Licensed Professional Agent

Author of “Single Today”

Author of the “Ten Critical Financial Issues Facing Women During Divorce-call for free copy

http://home.comcast.net/~flygirl86/site/

303-526-1634

Five Rings Financial 10268 W. Centennial Rd.  Ste 302 Littleton, CO  80127

 

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*Based on Wi$eUp, a financial education program developed by The Texas A&M University System under a contract from the US Department of Labor Women’s Bureau

 

12 tips for relationship bliss

Take the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale at www.DivorceSeminarCenter.com

ne of the most common questions we hear is, “How do we make our relationship work?” The answers are complicated, varied, and, after a while, can start to sound like muddled platitudes.

But these commonplace sayings get repeated because they work. With this in mind, we pulled together 12 cliches that, in fact, reveal simple, tried-and-true advice for having a healthy, happy relationship. Read on and let us know what you think:

1. Mind your manners. “Please,” “thank you” and “you’re welcome,” can go a long way in helping your partner remember that you respect and love him and don’t take him for granted.

2. Variety is the spice of life. Studies have shown that dullness can lead to dissatisfaction with a relationship. Trying something new can be as simple as visiting an unfamiliar restaurant or as grand as a backpacking trip through Sri Lanka. Discoveries you make together will keep you feeling close. Video Advice: My Wife Won’t Tell Me Her Fantasies

3. The couple that plays together, stays together. Find a sport or hobby that you both love (no, watching TV does not count) and make that a priority in your relationship. Camping, biking, building model trains… whatever it is, find something you enjoy doing together.

4. Fight right. In order to have productive arguments, keep these rules in mind. Don’t call your spouse names. When things get really tough, take a break from the argument. Let the other person finish his/her sentences. Don’t initiate a discussion when you’re angry. 9 Things To Say During A Fight 5. I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine. No one likes demands, but everyone can appreciate a compromise. If you want your lover to do something and you’re not sure he’ll be agreeable, the quickest way to avoid a confrontation is to sweeten the deal. For example: “Sure, I’ll watch Monday Night Football if you take me to see the next movie of my choice.”

6. Two heads are better than one. Being in a relationship basically means you’ve made a merger; you’ve not only joined assets but inherited the other’s problems as well. Rather than looking at his problems as merely his own, tackle them together. For example, if he’s gaining weight, rather than pushing him to diet on his own, enroll in an exercise program together. Fun And Free: The Exercise Date

7. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Maintain your own friendships and occasionally have a night out without your significant other. Doing things without your s.o. not only makes you miss him or her, it also keeps you sane. And, in case the relationship doesn’t work out, you’ll still have your friends.

8. Sound it out. It other words: communicate! Talking out the tough subjects—money, religion, fidelity, raising kids—will not be the most fun you’ve had, but it’ll be valuable.

9. Laughter is the best medicine. Learn to laugh at yourself and at silly mistakes. If he throws your $300 cashmere sweater in the dryer, laughing it off is, in the long run, better than getting angry. It’s is just a $300 cashmere sweater, not the end of the world.

10. Keep your eyes on the prize. Yes, he forgot your co-worker’s name for the tenth time, but it probably doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you. If you keep your perspective fixed on the goal—to be in a happy, functioning partnership—you’re less likely to get tangled up in every minor annoyance. Remember, you both want the same thing. Seven Ways To Stay Happy (All Year Long)

11. Quitters never win. Find a ritual and keep it alive, no matter what. Whether it’s always kissing each other good night, renewing wedding vows every year, sleeping in as late as you want once a month or committing to having sex once a week, pick something that makes you both feel good and stick to it, even when you’re tempted to skip.

12. When the going gets tough, the tough get going… to therapy. Studies show that couples who seek counseling during rocky periods are more successful in resolving their issues than those who don’t. Whether its from a religious figure, counselor or mental health professional, getting an expert to help sort out strife is as wise as forgoing self-installation and hiring a plumber to put in a new sink.

Source:  www.yahoo.com

Consistent co-parenting makes life easier for children after divorce

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By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Parenting after divorce takes patience, cooperation and collaboration. It’s not uncommon for one parent to notice behavior differences in their children when they return from a stay with their other parent. This can be extremely frustrating or irritating, especially if your values and parenting style doesn’t match that of your former spouse.

What can you do to remedy the situation? Try having a conversation about how inconsistencies affect your children after divorce – and see if you can come to a better understanding.

Consistency in parenting creates the smoothest transition after divorce – and in the years that follow. If the rules previously established in your home are still followed by both parents after the divorce, the children are likely to more easily adjust to the new transitions in their life. In families where Mom and Dad dramatically disagree about significant parenting decisions, the consequences can be disturbing and sometimes dangerous. Differing values regarding discipline, curfews, homework, eating habits, after school activities, etc. can create confusion in your children and major conflicts between Mom and Dad. Children can pay the price emotionally – and are also likely to take advantage of the parental rift in many destructive ways. When they play Mom against Dad everyone looses and the kids especially lose the security and continuity of effective parenting.

With this in mind, strike up a conversation with your ex and discuss ways in which you can agree on some rules in both houses. Don’t point fingers and put your ex on the defensive with blame or shame. Focus instead on the benefits to your children when they experience consistency and agreement between their parents.

If you can’t find a place of agreement, try to let go and accept the disparities rather than creating more tension in your relationship. Children will adapt to differences in Mom and Dad’s homes and come to accept that as reality. While they may act out more and take advantage of your lack of agreement and continuity between homes, they will survive. Trust that in time they often come to appreciate your values and the fact that you’ve stuck to them. Often as adults they will acknowledge you for the very rules that they most rebelled against.

We demand a lot from children when they move from home to home as we try to co-parent after divorce. For that reason give your kids some slack. Allow the time to transition back into your home after an away-stay with their other parent. Remind them gently about the way we do things in your house and don’t jump on them for infringements in the first hours after their return.

Remember they didn’t ask for your divorce and as hard as any of this is on you, it’s that much more difficult for them – physically as well as emotionally.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!   She is also founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce, coaching services and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

 

© Rosalind Sedacca 2009  All rights reserved.

Advice for co-parents and single parents after divorce

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By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

A friend of mine, Nancy Michaels, a woman I respect in many ways, shared a personal story in one of her blog posts: At the lowest period in my life about three years ago, after a painful separation from my husband, a life-threatening illness, custody loss of my children, and having to return to my parents’ home for them to take care of me – my father said this on a particularly bad day, “Nancy, the only thing you have to do today is get better. Don’t worry about anything else.”

As simple as those two sentences are, it was exactly what I needed to hear and I started feeling grateful that that truly was my one and only responsibility. If I got better, the rest would fall in place. Thankfully, it has, Dad.

I know Nancy is not alone. There are days – yes, weeks and months – when life can seem awfully low. Often overbearing. The weight can seem just too much to carry. Life changes related to divorce frequently play a part in these circumstances. And when you’re a parent at the same time … well, you know how it feels!

Just know, as well, that you’re not alone. Parenting is tough for everyone, even under the best of circumstances. Parenting through and beyond divorce takes enormous focus and a continuous need for compassion, both for yourself and your children.

If you take it day by day, you will find the strength and even the wisdom to make decisions that tap into your innate wisdom and love for your children. But it’s also essential to parent and nurture yourself at the same time. Take a tip from the airlines when they instruct you to put your oxygen mask on first before providing oxygen to your children. You need to be alert and functioning well before you can make decisions on behalf of the children who matter so deeply to you.

So get the help you need to recharge, de-stress and unwind from time to time. Share your frustrations with a caring friend or a compassionate counselor who specializes in divorce issues. Join a support group for divorced Moms or Dads. Reach out to churches or other spiritual resources that empower you. Treat yourself to a massage, concert, evening out, weekend away from the kids or other activity that energizes your psyche.

Don’t suffer or brood alone. We all need help, support and encouragement from an outside source that we respect. We can’t always give it to ourselves – but we can and must let others know when we need a shoulder to cry on, a babysitter for an occasional indulgence or a team of reinforcement when the burden of moving on feels too heavy.

And keep my friend Nancy’s advice in mind. Sometimes all you need is to take care of yourself for a day – and you’ll have the clearer perspective you need to make sound decisions on behalf of your children. Whether you’re a divorced co-parent or single parent, remember your first obligation is to parent yourself with loving compassion. Your family will thank you!

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!. For free articles, her blog, coaching, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com. © Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.

Successful parenting after your divorce

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By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Parenting after divorce can be complex, frustrating and confusing. However, every day parents around the world are coping with the challenges and raising happy, well-adjusted children. There are many factors that influence your effectiveness as a parent. In this article we’ll review some of the major components of the post-divorce parenting success formula. 

Step 1: ATTITUDE

Attitude plays a big part in the success of any Child-Centered Divorce. If you approach your divorce with a commitment to making it as positive an experience as possible for the children you love, you are on your way to succeeding.

 What attitude are you conveying about your divorce? Try to catch your thoughts and the way you speak about it. Are you filled with negativity? Are your days consumed with a “poor me” state of consciousness? Are you attracting and spending time with others who share those sentiments? If so, it’s time for an overhaul in your thinking and attitude.

 A Child-Centered Divorce is created over weeks, months and years of attention to positive parenting. It’s never too late to start regardless of how long you have been divorced. The decisions you make today will affect the relationships within your family tomorrow and for decades to come.

 Step 2: PERCEPTIONS

 The world is what we perceive it to be. Whether you believe it’s good or bad – you will be right — and create an outcome to justify your belief.

 If you perceive yourself to be a victim in your divorce, you will focus on evidence to prove that to be true.

 If you instead take your divorce as a life experience to learn from, you will derive many benefits and value from the divorce, no matter how much pain is also involved. You will also accept responsibility for the part you played in the process and be more willing to contemplate new ways to live your life in the future that will bring more positive results.

 Sadly, it’s through challenging experiences that we grow and learn the most from life. Are you uncovering meaningful lessons for you?

 Step 3: LOOK FOR THE GIFT:

 There are always lessons to be learned from painful experiences. If you perceive those lessons as “gifts” to you – wisdom and opportunities you will never have otherwise experienced, you can move on from your divorce a better, stronger, wiser person. There is always a gift to be received if you look for it.

 Step 4: RESPECTFUL PARENTING

 Getting past your divorce is but a small piece of the Child Centered Divorce puzzle if you are a parent. Working through the challenges of creating successful communication with your ex is a goal that must be worked on continuously. Keep your children in mind before making any decisions related to their well-being and you will stay on course.

 Because you and your former spouse will be parenting your children for many years – and decades to come — it makes sense to start off on the best possible course. The first step is to develop a respectful relationship with your ex. Remember that is your child’s other parent whom they love. Treat your former spouse with that level of awareness and dignity in all your communication and they are more likely to return the same level of respect to you. Changes may not happen overnight. But with patience and persistence things can and will improve.

 Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!   For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce, her free ezine, coaching services and other valuable resources, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

 © Rosalind Sedacca 2009  All rights reserved.

A smart parenting plan is your best asset when parenting after divorce

Take the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale at www.DivorceSeminarCenter.com

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Parenting plans are becoming more and more recognized as the way for both parents to coordinate their parenting, their lives and their relationship with their children after divorce.

In its simplest form a parenting plan puts in writing the agreed upon schedule both parents have created regarding most all parenting arrangements. It outlines the days, times and other details of when, where and how each parent will be with the children along with other agreements both parents will follow in the months and years to come.

The purpose of the plans is to determine strategies that are in the children’s best interest to create smooth, easy and positive transitions. These plans encourage cooperative co-parenting so that the children feel secure, loved, wanted and nurtured by both of their parents.

Plans can vary in depth and scope. Often they include guidelines for routine residential arrangements as well as special occasions, including holidays, birthday and vacation time. Emergency information, decision-making guidelines, processes for sharing information, relocation procedures and means for resolving disputes can also be spelled out to minimize future conflict and provide consistency for the children.

While parenting plans make excellent tools for the family, keep them flexible so that their purpose doesn’t get lost in a maze of too rigid rules. Allow for some fluctuation and reassessments as the family ages and also experiences the day-to-day realities of their living arrangements. No plan can compensate for irresponsible or negligent parenting.

Make sure the time you spend with your children is rewarding for them and reinforces the caring, supportive messages you want your children to remember. Don’t try to substitute gifts or excursions for the quality parenting time they value and crave. Parenting after divorce is all about reassurance, safety and security. Allow your children an adjustment period at the beginning and end of visits as they transition from one home to the other.

This is not easy to do for adults. Think of what it must be like for children – regardless of their age. Be sensitive about how and when to introduce your children to your new adult friends, especially dating partners. Children are very possessive of both parents.

They need to feel very secure in your love for them before they can accept another parent figure in their lives. Take your time in this regard. Think before you take steps you will regret. Whenever possible create a sense of consistency between both homes.

Children fare best when Mom and Dad agree on basic parenting issues and don’t contradict one another from home to home. If you do have differing rules, talk to your children about the differences, explain your own parenting style, and don’t put down their other parent – even if you don’t agree with their values. Your children will learn to adapt to differences in their parents if you don’t make a big deal about those issues.

Never forget that you will be a parent to your children for the rest of your life – and so will their other parent. Keep that perspective and focus on ways to collaborate and join forces whenever possible. Your children will be the winners in the long term.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. 

All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca 2009

Divorcing Parents: Don’t Bring Your Battles to Court

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 By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

 You’re getting divorced and you’re angry, resentful, hurt, vindictive or any combination of other painful emotions. You want to lash out, to get back at your spouse or boost your own sense of esteem. Hiring the most aggressive litigious divorce lawyer you can find seems like your smartest choice. Your ex is in for a fight!

 If you’re a parent who is thinking along those lines, you’re making a choice you may long regret.

 If you choose a lawyer who directs you straight into a vicious court battle, the costs to you will be insurmountable – not only in financial outlay, but in emotional turmoil as well. Think long and hard before you move your divorce battle into the legal system. It is likely to take its toll on every member of your family – including your children – in the most destructive and gut-wrenching ways. It happens all the time. But it need not happen to you.

 When you give your divorce outcome over to the courts, you are paving the way to unimaginable stress and frustration compounded by a sense of powerlessness that is hard to comprehend until you are in its grips. As you stand by and watch attorneys and judges make decisions about your life and your future you can’t help but feel violated and helpless. The taste of revenge that you were after can easily turn into anxiety and shock when issues get twisted and victors become victims right before your eyes. The consequences can play out for years, and often decades, to come.

 Sadly, your children are not protected from the emotional and psychological repercussions. When custody decisions are made by those who are focused more on financial issues than family issues, children’s needs often get pushed aside in favor of other objectives. Relationships, balance and good will are not prime objectives in the battle of divorce, and the scars on your children’s psyches are often overlooked in the legal blood-bath that ensues.

 There are other ways. Better ways. And more ways than ever before to create a divorce that respects the rights of every one in the family.

 Before engaging that “killer” attorney, talk to a Collaborative Divorce attorney who specializes in creating peaceful outcomes without going to court. Collaborative Lawyers are trained to use their own special skills along with the aid of financial planners, therapists, mediators and other resources to bring both sides into conversation about win-win outcomes. Children’s needs get high consideration.

 Certified Mediators offer another opportunity to create a fair settlement without litigation at a considerable cost savings. Many mediators are former divorce attorneys who have battled it out in court and know there are saner solutions for all concerned. They care about creating peaceful resolutions.

 Learn from the lessons and mistakes of others. If you want to save yourself considerable expense – both emotionally and financially – and if you want your children to thank you when they are grown up for creating a civilized, sensible, harmonious divorce – make the right decisions today. Stay out of court. Stay out of the hands of killer attorneys. Stay in the good graces of your children. Create a Child-Centered Divorce – and reap the rewards for years to come!

 

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

 

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008.  All rights reserved.

 

 

Stages of a divorced father’s life

 

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Stage 1: Ambivalence Over the Divorce

The immediate changes in your life may lead you to ask whether you have done the right thing. Going to sleep and waking up without the children in the house and no contact with them for weeks at a time can cause deep anxiety, even in those cases where a father is otherwise happier for having escaped an unhappy marriage. All decisions in life require tradeoffs, and this is nowhere better illustrated than in the case of the father who makes the decision to divorce.

Stage 2: Hope that the Divorce Will Go Smoothly

Since most fathers will be unable to reconcile with the children’s mother, they hope that the separation and divorce will go through without a hitch. At least they will be able to agree on how to divide things up, share parenting of the kids, and work out a way to minimize the impact of the divorce on the kids. Dream on. People who were once lovers and intimates can become enemies whose focus on what is best for their children takes a back seat to punishment and revenge. Love has become war and both the parents and their children become casualties.

Stage 3: What Really Happens

According to the U. S. Census Bureau, of the almost 12 million single-parent homes, 85% are headed by women.7 This means that 85% of fathers are non-custodial. In effect, the children in these homes (almost 16 million of them) live with their mothers and ”visit” their fathers.

Stage 4: Trial and Error Responses

Because the role of the divorced father is new, we learn to fill it only through trial and error. For example, when the kids are not happy to see you, should you ignore their indifference or scold them? When they forget Father’s Day, should you forget it or call them on it? And when they tell you they would rather go back early this Sunday, should you remind them that this is your time or offer to take them back even earlier?

Stage 5: Things Settle Down

While you may need call the sheriff if your wife won’t let the kids come out of the house on your visitation clock, or take her to court if she leaves town with them, there comes a time when you can get relaxed about seeing your children since the attempts to thwart your access will stop. Both your ex-wife and children will come to know how important time is with your children and accept that “dad’s time” is something that will occur. This promotes stability in your children’s lives because they know when they will be with you. It also gives them a clear message that they are important to you. No matter what anyone else says, they see that you care about them.

Stage 6: A Special Bond with Your Children

As events work themselves out, you will gradually build a new relationship with your kids. It will be different from the relationship you had with them before the divorce, but, in some ways, it can be better. Strong father-child relationships which emerge from divorce require fathers who are determined to maintain a strong bond with their children and children who are resilient enough to weather the changes. But there is a specialness in knowing that both father and children can come through a difficult time and keep a close relationship. One father told me that your kids never say anything to you, but both of you know that you have been separated by circumstance. And they know that you never abandoned them and that they have always been important to you. That’s the message that sticks with them.”

Stage 7: Continued Changes

As years pass, your relationship with your children will continue to change: your time with them will decrease as they graduate from high school, attend college, and/or enter the working world and move away. Your relationship with your former spouse will also continue to affect your children. Most divorced couples mellow with age–they may even become friends. But others remain at war. When they do so, the children, even as adults, continue to suffer as innocent bystanders. Quite often the children of divorced parents go off to college and avoid returning home, since that would only renew their feelings of being caught in the middle of an ongoing parental conflict.

Source:  www.heartchoice.com

Parenting after divorce: Help your kids adjust to two happy homes

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

All human beings are resistant to change. It’s especially difficult for children. One of the greatest disruptions in a child’s life can be the upheaval caused by divorce. For this reason it is incumbent on you, as a parent, to doing everything possible day by day, month by month, to help your children adjust, assimilate into their new routines and accept the changes in their lives in the most positive possible ways.

 

To do that, you must be committed to putting your children’s physical, emotional and psychological needs foremost in your mind and heart. In that way, you will make decisions that are child-centered rather than based on your needs for getting back, proving your points or hurting your children’s other parent.

 

Yes, it’s not always an easy proposition to parent after divorce from this perspective. However, it’s the only option that will allow your children to have a sane childhood, good self-esteem, joy in their lives and a future that includes healthy relationships for themselves. Isn’t that what we all want for our children?

You can help your children adapt to two happy homes if you make that a priority and respect the fact that your kids are attached to their other parent. Don’t force them to break that bond or make them feel guilty for still loving their Dad or Mom, despite your divorce.

Because helping your child feel happy, safe, and loved is such an important goal for every parent, you can make joint parenting (custody is becoming a word of the past in many legal systems) arrangements work out if that is your honest intention.

To help your children feel wanted – little things count a lot!

All children need to know that they are loved and wanted in both homes. To help instill that important sense of belonging, try to avoid the need to pack a suitcase when children move between Mom and Dad’s homes.

It is smart to talk to your children early in the divorce process about starting a new chapter in their family life. Some things are changing – others will not change. It’s all part of the new chapter ahead – and new doesn’t have to mean sad or bad.

Many parents start by taking the kids shopping for some new things so they’ll have their own personal “stash” at both houses. Let each child make some personal selections of bedding, toiletry and clothing items. Little things like new pajamas, underwear, toothbrush, alarm clock, pillow, sunglasses, towels, shampoo, etc. can make a big difference in helping your children feel more at home, welcome and excited about some of the transition process.

A few new toys as well as old familiar ones are also important at this time. Selecting some DVDs or games together that are part of the new home environment will also help with readjustment, giving the kids something to look forward to when they arrive.

If your relationship with your former spouse is on a positive level, the family can get together to divide much of the children’s belongings as a family, letting the kids make some decisions about where certain items will remain or move. Try to have enough clothing changes and other routine possessions in each home, so you can avoid last-minute emergency pickups or misplaced items. Also allow the children to carry a few items back and forth if they choose, such as a favorite toy, jacket or photo.

Ideally each child should have some private space – a place in each home where they can keep their things – be it a closet, drawers, shelves, etc. The goal is to create a sense of “home” when they spend time with either Mom or Dad so they know they are safe, wanted and very much belong in the lives of both parents.

*     *     *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles and other resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

 

© Rosalind Sedacca 2009.  All rights reserved.

Children, divorce and summer vacation

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Divorce. This seven letter word changes everything in your life and continues to impact your life for years after it is so-called “finalized,” especially if you have children. However, a lot of the conflicts that occur between you and your ex-spouse don’t have to get as ugly as they sometimes do. All you have to do is change your mindset and view each interaction with your ex-spouse as an interaction with your parenting partner, then discussions, decisions and other interactions can flow much more fluidly.

Summer Vacation and Divorced Parents

Depending on your parenting plan, summer vacation can be a challenging time to schedule when the kids are with you and when they are with their other parent. Most divorced families view the summer as a particularly stressful time, because the kids are home from school and they have a lot of available time that needs to be scheduled. If you are in the middle of your divorce it may be best for the kids to spend the summer with their grandparents or at a summer camp. This will keep them out of the firing line, however, some kids find this isolation from the divorce as alienating and therefore you need to get their opinion about the situation before you make any concrete decisions about their summer.

Young Kids and Summer Vacation

If you have very young kids then it is in their best interest to spend as much time with each parent during the summer as possible. If practical, try to arrange a 50/50 schedule, so that your young children can spend a lot of quality time with each parent. If not possible, then schedule their time with each parent so that time is quality. Try to arrange vacation time from work so that it doesn’t overlap with your ex-spouse’s vacation time, this way your young children get to spend two or more weeks of vacation time with each parent, without having to go to a babysitter. During these special vacation weeks, spend time bonding with your young child and creating a new relationship with them.

Older Kids and Summer Vacation

While older kids may want to spend more of their summer vacation with their friends than with you, they still need quality time scheduled with both parents. Because older kids have the capability and desire to be an active part of the planning process for summer vacation it is a good idea to hold a family meeting that includes both parents and all the kids to determine how the summer schedule should be formatted. They can tell you what plans they all ready have and what they would like to do this summer, and you and your parenting partner can bring to the table when your vacation time is and what your schedule looks like. As a family unit, you can all work together to put together a summer vacation schedule that will work the best for all the members in your family unit.

Divorce is something that many parents have to deal with. When planning your summer vacation, try to keep in mind that you need time for yourself as well. Try to schedule in time for you to explore personal relationships Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Janice_Andersen